Question & Answer

How do you turn a duck into a soul singer?
Put it into the microwave until it’s Bill Withers.

One-liners

For me money is like sex: supposedly tonnes of it about, but I never seem to have any.

People are always asking whether I am a breast-man or an ass-man. It’s no mystery: everyone always tells me ‘you’re an ass, man.’

When I asked my wife to marry me, she was speachless. Couldn’t talk for an hour. Best hour of the last 30 years.

I used to work in a fast-food restaurants with the most disgusting chef I’ve ever seen. He used to press the burgers in his armpits, and you’d rather not know how he made the donuts.

Stand-up Bits

Ghosts from the past: they’re scary. Wounded soldiers, murdered children, headless souls wandering the limbo between life and eternal rest.
But think what ghosts in the future will be like. In 2050 some guy is going to wake up in the middle of the night, a frozen chill passing through the room, his spine trembling, his very soul knowing that death is close. And he’ll look up and see this pale clammy figure standing over him.
‘What do you want from me?’ he’ll ask.
And then the ghost will open its terrible mouth and ask:
‘Dude, what’s your wi-fi password?’
(adapted from routine by Aziz Ansari)

I had to stay in a hotel last week: my wife and I had a fight because I thought she was cheating on me. After a few days of staying in this blank room I was a bit restless so I got a taxi. The driver asked ‘where to?’, and I said ‘take me to where there is some action.’ He took me back to my house.
(adapted from routine by Rodney Dangerfield)

What the f*ck is wrong with people. Take money, for example. You’d think with all our intelligence we’d have a system that leaves us free time to pursue great thoughts and enjoy life, but instead we work. Work all the time, every f*cking day, for forty or fifty years.
And you ask ‘why?’
Because we need money.
And why do we need money?
If we don’t have money we would starve.
But there is food everywhere. The planet is literally covered in sh*t we can eat.
Yeah, but I don’t like that. i want the stuff with the cheese inside the bacon, you know, that stuff.